Poetry Corner

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Photo by Austin Dixon on Unsplash

i can’t wait to not be human

I can’t wait to not be human,

to shed my spirit of its earthly form-

to experience glory-

and be reborn.

I can’t wait to not be human,

free from conflict, politics, and wars.

I can’t wait to not be human,

at peace with my soul at rest-

I can’t wait to not be human,

no pain or mental test.

I can’t wait to not be human,

glory waits for me-

I can’t wait to not be human,

when i’m finally free.

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Photo by 小胖 车 on Unsplash
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Who Are You; Personality / Temperament Designations.

In my obsession with personality and temperament I have found the following tests:

The standard psychological Myers-Briggs personality testtake here for free…no it’s really free!

I just learned about “The Big Five” from Lewis Goldberg.  Take here for free.

The Four Temperaments – I remember my mother mentioning years ago.  Take the test here for free. 

Also read this book: “The Four Temperaments” by Randy Rolfe

Other aspects of who you are could be your high sensitivity (or not) read: “The Highly Sensitive Person” by Elaine N. Aron

And then are you on the spectrum?  Here is another test to take: Autism & Asperger’s Quiz.

How about Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) or Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder (ADHD)? Take test here.

*What does it all mean? You are a unique individual. Even though you may fit into a category, label, or box does not mean that is the total sum of who you are! You are fabulous, marvelous, and unique. This information is merely a means to get to know who you are and what makes you tick! Take it with a grain of salt.

The Trouble With Words.

I have noticed a huge problem with my communication and how I relate to the world recently. One of the issues is that when I attempt to communicate how I feel it does not mean that those to whom I am speaking with understand what I am saying. I use to get quite offended and defensive about this and then spiral into feelings of shame and depression.

I have identified myself as a late-bloomer. And I see that some people associate that with burgeoning puberty or attractiveness. But that was never what I meant by the word.  This is my definition of being a late-bloomer as written by dictionary.com.

noun

To me this has been a process of figuring out who I am rather than who people told me I was.  One of the difficult things for me is that I am not very good at face-to-face meetings especially with people I don’t know well. My verbal skills are shaky at best. I am much more comfortable expressing myself through writing. And a lot of people don’t understand that.

As the world seems to me predominately composed of extroverts (“Researchers estimate extroverts make up 50 – 74 percent of the population.”

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/thrive/201205/are-extroverts-happier-introverts)

I have often struggled with feeling greatly misunderstood, isolated, and alone.

Sometimes when meeting extroverts, I feel wrong because I get the vibe that I am suppose to be like them.  Especially when they stare at me and say: “Why don’t you talk?”

The truth is I do talk.  But I don’t do public speaking very well.  I want to have time to think about and process what it is I am going to say.  And in this fast paced society, I guess ain’t nobody got time for that!

In addition, I think the only reason I would give a speech is to jump through the hoops of the education system which requires speech for a higher degree.  I will drag my feet kicking and screaming on this because I do not like speech. And furthermore I feel there are already plenty of people yapping their yap in this world and people don’t need to hear from me adding to noise pollution.

I have often systematically set my life up to avoid having to talk in public.  I guess some would say immersion therapy would cure my ills, but what if I don’t want to be cured? As a mom and caregiver…I see no need to speak in public.  Until I learn otherwise we will just leave it at that. 🙂

Recommended books on Spiritual Abuse

Healing with God:

 

Looks good but have not read yet:

 

Healing:

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http://www.spiritualabuse.com

The Church and series part 2 – Spiritual Abuse

Here is an excellent video on spiritual abuse I found:

I grew up in the church. But as a 45 year old woman I have had a lot to learn about how to have a healthy relationship within a community.  Somewhere in the back of my mind was the idea that as a woman I needed to sit down and shut up. I needed to just do whatever the authority said I should. This resulted in me idolizing everyone. I minimized   myself, my feelings, and instincts (or intuition, gut feeling, vibes, sense, and perhaps even the voice of God).

I was spiritually abused.

I am healing.

This is not the end of the story.

And the labels do not define me.

I was a broken and battered sheep.  I was a sheeple.  I am awake.  Maybe a little less trusting and a little paranoid. But I think I am okay. I still believe in God though at times He feels far from me. I hold on to His word that He is not far away.  That He is ever-present.

I remember being at my old church and hearing about a small group series. I am introverted and take a long time to warm up to people I don’t know well. I think this saved me a lot. Well, rather than go to the small group I thought I would watch it. It was a series Mark Driscoll did on marriage. My spidey senses were tingling. Trusting my gut wasn’t working well. Well, my gut was talking it is just that perhaps from my childhood I learned not to trust it.

Looking back on what has transpired I think I had no filters.  I did have some but I was not trusting what I felt. Well, because feelings are wrong, right? Don’t trust your feelings. Don’t trust yourself. Well so I was told.

I think this was my training ground. I think this was God working in the situation. He wanted me to be honest and to stand for something. He wanted me to think for myself rather than to just accept everything the pastor said from his pulpit! He wanted me to discern for myself. He did not just want me to accept every little thing into myself and most especially not all the hurtful words and actions!

I remember being so upset about Mark Driscoll’s sermon series on the book of Esther. He slammed the character of Queen Esther. And I was deeply offended by that. My mother named me after Queen Esther for a reason. That she was a good woman, a Godly woman.

What I have learned is that I am to follow God. Not my pastor. Not my leader. Not my husband. I question everything.  That is not to say that I am a disrespectful, rebel.

But a true Godly leader is going to lift you up, not tear you down.

Are Abuse Victims Codependent?

Food for thought. I am open to evaluating new beliefs.

A Cry For Justice

The term codependent is often used to describe the relationship between victims of abuse and their abusers, whether the description is made by a counselor, therapist, friend, or an author. It is easy to find online articles that link codependency and domestic abuse. For example, one article I found is titled, “DOMESTIC ABUSE: C is for Codependency”

Another article titled, “How Does Codependency Play into Domestic Violence” has this to say,

One can easily see how the abused spouse falls into these destructive patterns [of codependency].  Codependency is also progressive.  The longer a person stays in a destructive relationship the more codependent they become. . . Usually a wife subconsciously feeds into the behavior of the abuse due to the desperate needs similar to being addicted to a substance; however, in this case it is an addiction to the unhealthy behavior of her abuser. . .

And finally an article titled, Domestic Violence…

View original post 2,511 more words

Listening to yourself and dealing with people who won’t take no for an answer.

Why don’t some people seem to take no for an answer? I started asking myself this question today. Why is it that they seem to make it a mission to change your mind? I am on a soul journey to actually live a life that I own.  So often these people who don’t take no for an answer seem to be in my life. Why?

I just found the above video so poignant and bone-chilling to me. Now that example doesn’t happen everyday, but it is such a good example of what people like myself need to do. We need to listen to ourselves. We need to listen to our voices inside. We need to STOP dismissing it! IT is there for a reason.

Persuasion is different than manipulation. It is not manipulative. It puts forth a dialogue between two people. It gives the other person the freedom to change their mind in their own timing. IT is not demanding!

Manipulation is about the other person. They want what they want when they want it. After all they deserve it. What right do you have to your opinion? They feel entitled. And they are so good at making you feel small and unworthy of having a voice. They play into your tangled thoughts from childhood. Perhaps it is some sort of instinctual sense on their part that you are the sort of person that won’t push back. Perhaps they are good at reading a vibe.

That’s not the vibe you want out there. So you realize that something must change within you. You are not bad. You have a right to your thoughts, opinions, and choices. You have a right to your no! If someone is not accepting that for an answer something is wrong.

And that something is not you.