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Esther Bautista Designs

The Artist Within.

The Trouble With Words.

I have noticed a huge problem with my communication and how I relate to the world recently. One of the issues is that when I attempt to communicate how I feel it does not mean that those to whom I am speaking with understand what I am saying. I use to get quite offended and defensive about this and then spiral into feelings of shame and depression.

I have identified myself as a late-bloomer. And I see that some people associate that with burgeoning puberty or attractiveness. But that was never what I meant by the word.  This is my definition of being a late-bloomer as written by dictionary.com.

noun

To me this has been a process of figuring out who I am rather than who people told me I was.  One of the difficult things for me is that I am not very good at face-to-face meetings especially with people I don’t know well. My verbal skills are shaky at best. I am much more comfortable expressing myself through writing. And a lot of people don’t understand that.

As the world seems to me predominately composed of extroverts (“Researchers estimate extroverts make up 50 – 74 percent of the population.”

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/thrive/201205/are-extroverts-happier-introverts)

I have often struggled with feeling greatly misunderstood, isolated, and alone.

Sometimes when meeting extroverts, I feel wrong because I get the vibe that I am suppose to be like them.  Especially when they stare at me and say: “Why don’t you talk?”

The truth is I do talk.  But I don’t do public speaking very well.  I want to have time to think about and process what it is I am going to say.  And in this fast paced society, I guess ain’t nobody got time for that!

In addition, I think the only reason I would give a speech is to jump through the hoops of the education system which requires speech for a higher degree.  I will drag my feet kicking and screaming on this because I do not like speech. And furthermore I feel there are already plenty of people yapping their yap in this world and people don’t need to hear from me adding to noise pollution.

I have often systematically set my life up to avoid having to talk in public.  I guess some would say immersion therapy would cure my ills, but what if I don’t want to be cured? As a mom and caregiver…I see no need to speak in public.  Until I learn otherwise we will just leave it at that. 🙂

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Happy Birthday Son!

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Happy Birthday to my wonderful Son who turned 16 years old today!

My little graduate.

Bethany 8th grade graduation
Congratulations  Bethany!

Recommended books on Spiritual Abuse

Healing with God:

 

Looks good but have not read yet:

 

Healing:

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http://www.spiritualabuse.com

Creative Interlude.

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Stepford wife.
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My First Winery!
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Dude on Right is businessman!
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Glamour Shot Movie Stars!
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My Babies on Mother’s Day 2017!

What’s My Motivation?

I recently decided to retire from writing books because I realized that if you are a writer you are also a seller. And I don’t like selling. I still write an occasional blog post from time to time.  So many of the things that I have done have been either to make money or become famous. And I also realize those are not good motivations for me personally.  One of the most misquoted Bible verses is:

10 For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil. Some people, eager for money, have wandered from the faith and pierced themselves with many griefs. 1 Timothy 6:10 (NIV)

A lot of people quote it as: money is the root of all evil. But there is a difference. It is the love of money that is the root of all evil.  I believe this is placing money above relationships with people, but most especially our relationship with God. And today it seems a constant push to make things into a money-making pursuit.

Not everyone should be in business for themselves. Business is difficult and takes a lot of motivation and work.  If you are in business great! This post is not addressed to you.  I am speaking more to people like me with low-motivation and who don’t really have any business in business. (Speaking for myself here.) If you are in business you probably like it. I don’t like business. I find it extremely boring.  My husband on the other hand loves business.

I think it helps to have a good motivation as to why you are doing something.  I think providing for yourself and family is a good motivation. Most of the things I have done were really hobbies such as: making bibs, making soap, writing, making videos, etc.  I had dreams of making money off of them, but then doing those things lost their sparkle.  Somehow attaching money to them made them into an obligation.

But what I realized is that my life is good the way it is now. I don’t need to make more money! I need to do a better job of managing what I have and do my hobbies for a creative outlet and for fun.  I do want to make a difference in the world, which sounds so cliche.  But I am making a difference to my family and friends around me.  I try to be kind and generous.  I am not perfect, but I am growing.

Creative Interlude.

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Miss Beth

The Church and series part 2 – Spiritual Abuse

Here is an excellent video on spiritual abuse I found:

I grew up in the church. But as a 45 year old woman I have had a lot to learn about how to have a healthy relationship within a community.  Somewhere in the back of my mind was the idea that as a woman I needed to sit down and shut up. I needed to just do whatever the authority said I should. This resulted in me idolizing everyone. I minimized   myself, my feelings, and instincts (or intuition, gut feeling, vibes, sense, and perhaps even the voice of God).

I was spiritually abused.

I am healing.

This is not the end of the story.

And the labels do not define me.

I was a broken and battered sheep.  I was a sheeple.  I am awake.  Maybe a little less trusting and a little paranoid. But I think I am okay. I still believe in God though at times He feels far from me. I hold on to His word that He is not far away.  That He is ever-present.

I remember being at my old church and hearing about a small group series. I am introverted and take a long time to warm up to people I don’t know well. I think this saved me a lot. Well, rather than go to the small group I thought I would watch it. It was a series Mark Driscoll did on marriage. My spidey senses were tingling. Trusting my gut wasn’t working well. Well, my gut was talking it is just that perhaps from my childhood I learned not to trust it.

Looking back on what has transpired I think I had no filters.  I did have some but I was not trusting what I felt. Well, because feelings are wrong, right? Don’t trust your feelings. Don’t trust yourself. Well so I was told.

I think this was my training ground. I think this was God working in the situation. He wanted me to be honest and to stand for something. He wanted me to think for myself rather than to just accept everything the pastor said from his pulpit! He wanted me to discern for myself. He did not just want me to accept every little thing into myself and most especially not all the hurtful words and actions!

I remember being so upset about Mark Driscoll’s sermon series on the book of Esther. He slammed the character of Queen Esther. And I was deeply offended by that. My mother named me after Queen Esther for a reason. That she was a good woman, a Godly woman.

What I have learned is that I am to follow God. Not my pastor. Not my leader. Not my husband. I question everything.  That is not to say that I am a disrespectful, rebel.

But a true Godly leader is going to lift you up, not tear you down.

Are Abuse Victims Codependent?

Food for thought. I am open to evaluating new beliefs.

A Cry For Justice

The term codependent is often used to describe the relationship between victims of abuse and their abusers, whether the description is made by a counselor, therapist, friend, or an author. It is easy to find online articles that link codependency and domestic abuse. For example, one article I found is titled, “DOMESTIC ABUSE: C is for Codependency”

Another article titled, “How Does Codependency Play into Domestic Violence” has this to say,

One can easily see how the abused spouse falls into these destructive patterns [of codependency].  Codependency is also progressive.  The longer a person stays in a destructive relationship the more codependent they become. . . Usually a wife subconsciously feeds into the behavior of the abuse due to the desperate needs similar to being addicted to a substance; however, in this case it is an addiction to the unhealthy behavior of her abuser. . .

And finally an article titled, Domestic Violence…

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