This morning I dreamt I was talking to a therapist. I told her my life could be summed up in one word: shame. Then I cried as I told her I have been so ashamed of myself.
I like dreaming. Dreams can be so helpful. They can be prophetic or a foreshadow of your future.
This dream spoke the truth about me. Shame has colored my life despite my faith in God. You would think that being forgiven by God would mean that I don’t have to be ashamed anymore.
But the truth is that although I have been a Christian most of my life, I have beaten myself (figuratively) to a bloody pulp out of perfectionism which I equate to be the same as legalism.
And another amazing truth is that I didn’t have to. I didn’t have to.
Wasn’t that why Jesus came? Didn’t he come to not condemn the world, but that the world through Him might be saved? “He works hard so we don’t have to!” Take it from the scrubbing bubbles commercial to sum it up in one line.
We often don’t know what we do to ourselves mentally. It takes deep reflection.
I hate perfectionism. I am going on an anti-perfectionism campaign now. The reason I haven’t tried is because I am a perfectionist. If you don’t try you can’t fail, but in failing to try, I have failed.
Do you really think that God went to all this trouble for us for us to try harder? For us to beat ourselves up day after day in an attempt to “be perfect”?
This is what I have often done because somewhere in my mind I thought it is what HE expected of me. I am changing my mind in terms of what I think God expects.
I don’t have a “corner on God”. I don’t own God. He is who He is and He does what He does! Or in other words I don’t control Him.