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Photo by Ian Espinosa on Unsplash

There are a number of reasons why I feel depressed, but sometimes I wonder if my depression is the curse of being creative.  I do have a lot of things going on at the moment that are troubling me.  We just moved, the house is a mess, and I have a birthday party to plan.  So I just lost it emotionally today.  I am doing the best I can.

I have some project ideas in the works.  They are top secret.  Today, well this week, this month, this year my emotions have been all over the place.  When I have a goal to focus on and something to do that I feel is productive, I feel so much better about life and myself.  I haven’t had a purpose in a long time.  I am introverted and tend to be anti-social.  I chalk this up to the fact that I feel like a misunderstood artist and “nobody gets me”.

I decided to be myself and I am really working on not trying to impress people.  But it creeps in from time to time and I need to check my motives for why I do what I do.  I want to have pure motives.  I don’t all the time.

As I was researching online for a project I want to do I stumble upon a blog.  I tend to compare myself with others, which is a horrible thing to do for your self-esteem.  Other bloggers seem so perfect.  They are so organized.  So opposite of me.

I am a real person.  I am not perfect.  My house is a mess.  I get depressed.  I cry.  I get angry.  I bleed!  I don’t know how to do anything perfectly.  I am not an expert at anything unless you think being “slow” is a virtue.  I am really good at being slow!

So, yes, that blog made me feel very inadequate about myself and life.  But this is my life and I need to accept it and who and what I am.  I am a stay-home-mom.  I don’t make a lot of money.  I am not famous, rich, or pretty.  I am just who I am.  And this is my life.

I don’t have to go back to college and earn a degree to feel good about myself.  I don’t need to impress others.  I don’t need to prove the validity of my life to anyone.  The only one I answer to really is God.  For the most part, I believe He loves me.  Sometimes I have serious doubts based on how I feel.  But I have to give myself a pep talk because no one else will do that for me.  I am responsible for myself.

It’s funny how serious I get about these issues, but I am pouring out my heart and soul here.  I hope someday I can get over these little speeches I feel I have to make to the world.  But really this speech is for myself.  I feel invalid and I need to validate myself.

Good job, Esther.  Keep going.  You can do it.  One step at a time.

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Photo by Jake Hills on Unsplash
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