There are a number of reasons why I feel depressed, but sometimes I wonder if my depression is the curse of being creative. I do have a lot of things going on at the moment that are troubling me. We just moved, the house is a mess, and I have a birthday party to plan. So I just lost it emotionally today. I am doing the best I can.
I have some project ideas in the works. They are top secret. Today, well this week, this month, this year my emotions have been all over the place. When I have a goal to focus on and something to do that I feel is productive, I feel so much better about life and myself. I haven’t had a purpose in a long time. I am introverted and tend to be anti-social. I chalk this up to the fact that I feel like a misunderstood artist and “nobody gets me”.
I decided to be myself and I am really working on not trying to impress people. But it creeps in from time to time and I need to check my motives for why I do what I do. I want to have pure motives. I don’t all the time.
As I was researching online for a project I want to do I stumble upon a blog. I tend to compare myself with others, which is a horrible thing to do for your self-esteem. Other bloggers seem so perfect. They are so organized. So opposite of me.
I am a real person. I am not perfect. My house is a mess. I get depressed. I cry. I get angry. I bleed! I don’t know how to do anything perfectly. I am not an expert at anything unless you think being “slow” is a virtue. I am really good at being slow!
So, yes, that blog made me feel very inadequate about myself and life. But this is my life and I need to accept it and who and what I am. I am a stay-home-mom. I don’t make a lot of money. I am not famous, rich, or pretty. I am just who I am. And this is my life.
I don’t have to go back to college and earn a degree to feel good about myself. I don’t need to impress others. I don’t need to prove the validity of my life to anyone. The only one I answer to really is God. For the most part, I believe He loves me. Sometimes I have serious doubts based on how I feel. But I have to give myself a pep talk because no one else will do that for me. I am responsible for myself.
It’s funny how serious I get about these issues, but I am pouring out my heart and soul here. I hope someday I can get over these little speeches I feel I have to make to the world. But really this speech is for myself. I feel invalid and I need to validate myself.
Good job, Esther. Keep going. You can do it. One step at a time.