I never thought I would be an Ebenezer, but I realize that I don’t like the last two months of the year.  I guess the reason I don’t like them is all the pressure that I feel gets put on me.  But maybe it’s just pressure I put on myself.

Well, we just moved and that was stressful enough, but I haven’t even started Christmas shopping.  But Christmas is not about the gifts we give.  It is suppose to be about Jesus’s birthday, but we make it into more.  Why do we do this?

I am an introvert.  I don’t like large crowds.  I see this.  The stores are so crowded.  I want to avoid the crowds.  I want to get in and get out.  Maybe this is my issue here?

I just want peace.  I want quiet and some peace.  I would like to just be and not feel the need to go buy gifts to impress people.  I don’t know why I even bother writing this since no one even reads my blog.

It’s like I treat my blog like it’s my girlfriend and I am venting to her.  Lol.  Where do you go to find peace?  This is where I really feel like an Ebenezer Scrooge!  I just want the holidays to be over so I can get on with normal life!  Wow, does that sound cynical?

I just want things to be over that I must do that I don’t want to do.  I mean should I do things with a good attitude that I don’t want to do or should I just not do them?  I ponder this question a lot.  I have been trying to be really honest and non-judgmental with myself.

I mean, I want to please people and make them happy, but not at the risk of becoming angry, bitter, and resentful.  I would like to do things with good motives and a good attitude.  What I am finding constantly when I do things to please others I often find myself resentful especially when they end up not being pleased!

I have a strong tendency to over-think and to be overly concerned with “the other”.  I worry too much about what they will think of me and I am mad at them.  The funny thing is that maybe they just don’t really care!  They probably don’t!

I want my husband to have a very happy 50th birthday, but I find myself internally still trying to impress him or his family.  I hate this about me.  But I need to accept myself.

Yes, blog, you are my girlfriend and I’m officially venting to you about what I am secretly unhappy about…the pressure of this holiday season I feel I am under!  If I don’t put on a big show what will he think?  What will his family think?  Why do I care? Most of what we fear or think about isn’t actually true, right?  Yes!

I tell you dear blog about my “bah-humbug” holiday attitude because I find it really difficult with opening up to real face-to-face people because I am afraid.  I am afraid of being rejected.  So I cut myself off from relationships.  It’s safer this way, but a little lonely.  But the truth is I would rather be alone here blogging than to be rejected by a real life flesh and blood person.  (This is a therapy moment.  Shh… don’t judge me!)

Maybe that is why I like writing so much.  Writing is a way to get all this junk out of me that I don’t otherwise know that is in me.  Sometimes you just need to start typing and see what comes out!

Does anyone else in the world struggle with the holidays, codependency, and or the need to impress others?

I feel like I need to remind myself that I love and approve of myself because deep down I don’t feel like anyone else does.  Yes, my blog is my girlfriend…or more like my therapist.

My mind is spaghetti and one issue touches another.  Then I think about those words I hate strongly dislike: destiny and calling.  And I think I never did find them.  I don’t like them because I never found them.  They are cliches to me and I hate cliches. (I apologize for the strong language.)

I think the only people who like those words are the people who have actually found their calling and destiny.  I am happy for you. 😉

This is my blog.  These are my words.  Why am I so worried about what I write?  I want to live that free life!  The life I have been dreaming about that isn’t so uptight, legalistic, and rigid!  I see some people living that life from afar and I wonder why I can’t?

I often feel so bound to the opinion of others.  But bound to my own opinion as well.  If God created me to be a thinker and a writer I wonder why I don’t seem to be going anywhere with this.  I just don’t know.

My life has been recently quite disillusioned.  I have many blessings to be thankful for.  My needs are all met…except one… to be understood and have connection on a deep spiritual level with another person.

Inside I am scolding myself.  I should be more grateful.  I should be more thankful.  I should.  I should.  I should.  It would be best.  But all these “I shoulds” I tell myself are making me feel quite inadequate and miserable.  😦

This was a mere moment in time.  I am not bound to all these negative thoughts!  I can think different ones.  I can think of a birthday party for my husband where he is smiling and happy and where I am too.  And where the effort I put forth IS enough.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s