Photo by Esther Bautista (Not my house though.)

I had so many thoughts when I was cleaning my house today.  But since I took so long to sit down and write this post they seem to be gone.  I hate it when this happens.  I chalk it down to my ADD.  I think there’s something wrong with my RAM.  I can only hold things in my short term memory for short periods of time but long term memory seems to be okay.  It’s frustrating but I am learning to accept it.

I had thoughts about how Christians are obnoxious.  Well, not all of us.  I am learning to be more gracious, loving, accepting, and forgiving!  I learned a lot of bad behaviors from other people claiming the title of “Christian”.  It was quite confusing.  We are told to love but I didn’t feel loved by my fellow Christians.

My blog, I’m told doesn’t quite work and I agree.  I guess it would be helpful to stick to one topic, but that’s not how my brain works.  This blog is a potpourri of topics, thoughts, and feelings.  I agree it doesn’t work, but this is where I am at in my life.  I have other blogs and I try to stay on topic on them but then when I just need to say something I come to this blog.

Well, Christmas is over and I always feel a sense of relief and like I can get back to work afterwards.  I think that maybe I should not have this attitude.  I should enjoy the season more.  I have been.  What I learned about myself is how incredibly judgemental I have been against myself!  I heard feedback from others about me being judgemental against them and I came to see that they were right but, I also see how very hard I have been on myself all my life.

This makes sense to me now because I have been very depressed!  If you are constantly berating yourself mentally, it totally makes sense how horrible one would feel under that constant scrutiny.
I am noticing my thoughts more.  It’s difficult because a lot of things are built into our subconscious.  I use to think that those thoughts were God’s thoughts towards me.  I would have mental battles with what I thought was God.  I thought He was really hard on me and I was mad at Him because I couldn’t live up to His “high standard”.  But it was my standard.  I wish someone would have explained that to me.  I have been a Christian for a long time but I was ignorant about a lot of things.  I wish someone had discipled me properly.  When I heard about a class on discipleship something longed in my heart for that but then I got distracted and didn’t pursue it.

My heart was still searching for love.  I had brokenness from my childhood and didn’t really have a good relationship with my parents most especially my father.  So I’ve have a lot of missing puzzle pieces in my heart that needed to be filled and fixed.  God does heal but in His own sweet time.

It’s really strange to not know yourself and to not know what you are thinking!  It’s also strange to have people tell you what you are thinking and feeling.  And to accept what they tell you and get all confused and think, “Hmm…maybe they are right!  Maybe I do feel that way!”  But then deep down in your gut you know that isn’t what you are feeling or thinking.  I think it has something to do with how I was raised and being a codependent perfectionistic people pleaser.

Today I know that God really loves me and accepts me where I am.  This is great news!  There are so many things I could write about.  I pick something and start writing and never know where I am going to end up.  But somehow God uses whatever comes out.  I know this.  I trust this.  And the pressure is off of me to perform!  That’s good. 🙂

I have put myself under so much pressure!  Wanting the love and affection of others can be such a handicap.  But for some reason God has chose me to carry this and learn from it.  I have been like the wounded sparrow who can’t seem to fly.  Slowly He has been healing me.  It has been such a long drawn out and painful process.  I don’t judge myself for this.  No more!

God’s plan for me was never to try really hard to be perfect!  Realizing this is a wonderful and freeing thing.  I can just be myself and be loved, valued, and accepted.  I just need to love myself.  It’s seems cheesy but IT’S TRUE!!!  You can’t love other people unless you first learn to love and accept yourself.  This has been my main issue.  I didn’t love myself.  I didn’t even like myself!

I compared myself with everyone, but especially really beautiful and talented people.  I found out in a psychological seminar that that is one of the worst things that people with shyness and social anxiety do!  I was like, “Oh, that’s bad… and I do it all the time!”  There is only a small percentage of the population that are really genetically blessed and no one should compare themselves with them or anyone else for that matter!  It’s crazy-making!

The Bible does say that those who compare themselves against themselves are not wise.  I never understood the wording of that.  Maybe I should look it up in a different translation.  The Message
is helpful:

“9-11And what’s this talk about me bullying you with my letters? “His letters are brawny and potent, but in person he’s a weakling and mumbles when he talks.” Such talk won’t survive scrutiny. What we write when away, we do when present. We’re the exact same people, absent or present, in letter or in person.12 We’re not, understand, putting ourselves in a league with those who boast that they’re our superiors. We wouldn’t dare do that. But in all this comparing and grading and competing, they quite miss the point.”  2 Corinthians 9-12 The Message 

I can relate to Paul.  It sounds like he wasn’t really an eloquant speaker in person but he got really fiery and passionate in his writing.  I think that I am the same way.  That’s encouraging!  🙂

Speaking of encouraging…maybe that is one of my gifts to transition from topic to topic based on a keyword.  I never thought of that before.  But what I was going to say is that I haven’t been that encouraged in my life.  I mentioned my depression and if you go back and read my blog posts you will see a thread of the this same message.  I repeat over and over in different ways.

I see that all authors have a core message and they keep writing book after book with that message only in a different way and maybe to a different audience.  As I am learning who I am and what my purpose is I am also seeing that I have a core message.  I have been learning as I go what it is.  I am in as much suspense as you.  You think I know what I am doing?  Nope.  I don’t have a clue.

It must be nice to be God and actually see the begining in from the end.   He does it all on purpose and I am walking around in the dark.  I pray, “God, please…a little help here!”  He wants me to trust Him.  This is all a lesson in trust.  I on the other hand want to trust in knowing where I am going.  He teaches me little lessons everyday.

I use to think I was bonkers!  He would tells me things and I struggled to believe them especially when I wasn’t validated by other believers.  I have heard more prophesies about my life.  I half-heartedly laugh about them.  Not because I don’t believe, but because it’s been so long.  I believe God can do anything with me.  I just wish He would more!  I would like to see manifest what I believe.  I fight thinking that I’m a crazy lunatic.

I make fun of that.  I try not to take myself so serious.  I am getting better.  I am growing!  Hurray!
I have been asking why has it taken me so long to grow up?  I don’t want to blame myself or get down on myself but some of it has been my doing.  Maybe a lot?  My disobedience to what God was asking me to do.  But sometimes it’s hard when you think you are crazy and you aren’t really sure if it is God asking you to do this or that.  But yeah, I have been disobedient to God a lot and the fruit of that is not good.  I have reap what I sowed.

So I asked for confirmations, but I haven’t got a lot of them.  Maybe I have or maybe I just am to distracted to notice God’s actually answering my questions!  Now that’s exciting!  I got a confirmation the other day that He said something to me and it’s so wonderful to finally have validation that your not one french fry short of a happy meal!!! 🙂  The Bible verse He gave me in answer to my question was true!

The problem when flowing in the prophetic is that people aren’t honest!  Ugh.  I don’t judge them anymore but it would be great if they could just be honest so I can get some “Esther’s not crazy validation!”  So until then it’s just God and I staring at each other.  I’m like why do you even bother to tell me these things!  Maybe it’s just to pray.  I haven’t been able to get to the lovingly confrontation part.  I am not sure I ever will.  That seems so judgmental.  I don’t know, maybe it’s not.

Well, I guess you can’t go wrong when you don’t know what you are suppose to do, to just pray!  And trust that God’s in control.  And will grant you grace if you don’t hear Him correctly!

This is a perfect place to end this because I’m starving…

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