I Was Talking To A Friend Of Mine…

I was talking to a friend of mine today and I think she gave me the best advice.  She pointed out how I keep going around asking for people’s opinions.  She is right!  I especially have this hang up with searching for male validation.  She said, “YOU already know what to do.”

I am a smart gal.  The answers are already in my heart.  Maybe it’s time to listen to MYSELF for a change.  I get so anxious when people don’t approve of my decision.  Yes, it’s true.  It seems people like to give advice and some people like to shame you when you do not take their advice.  Over and over I get this disapproval, ” Tisk tisk tisk, Esther…you just aren’t older enough to take charge of your life!”  Well, they don’t come out and say that.  It seems they are waiting for you to fail so they can say I told you so.  I think their is ego involved.

I have gone to many counselors.  Counselors in the form of pastors, ministry counselors, leaders, and friends.  I know something is wrong because it feel wrong.  I humble myself to listen and take nuggets of wisdom home with me but there really is something wrong when I am so concerned with what other people think!

I worry too much about this.  I am growing because I am the most awake that I have ever been in my entire life.  I am not a child anymore.  I think, yes ESTHER thinks!  Newsflash!  I think that I am fully capable of giving myself good advice.  It’s not that I am depending solely on myself because I pray A LOT.  I ask God for wisdom to help me.  And then I must make a decision.

I think I need to take charge of my life.  I have begun doing this.  No one can live for me.  No one can make my decisions or choice and frankly I have been too dependent and too “helpless” and I bare some of the responsibility of that but some of it was twisted teaching and confusion about my role as a Christian woman and wife.

I recented having to play the role of the passive submissive wife.  I still hate that role.  I want to be who I am.  I want to be a strong confident assertive women and NOT have to be ashamed or apologize for that.  🙂

I just get the feeling that certain people want me to stay the way I was.  But I can’t.  Because I can see that they don’t respect a cowering whimsy woman and I don’t either.  I won’t apologize for not fitting into a preconcieved mold.

I want my freedom.  I want to be able to say that I want to do xyz for a career.  I was so sad because I thought that I was stuck in the position of being a stay-home-mom because I felt the pressure of people in the church to do so.  The shame of being a mother plus working is often put on woman.  Some women really need to work.  Whether I need to or not I wanted to work.  I just thought I wasn’t allowed becuase of something I read in book that guilted me into where I find myself today.

I dislike very much the feeling of not being able to take control of my life and the fact that the pressure seems to have come from influences within the church community.  Saying that makes me feel like people are going to call me a heretic or something.  I’m not.  I am just a very independent thinker (who didn’t know she was “allowed” to).  Well maybe some Christians will call me names and disown me.  I need to just deal with that and not being liked!

I just don’t see why I have this hunger and desire so strongly if God expects me to sit at home and do nothing.  (I am not saying this in regards to being a stay-home-mom.)  I cry many tears because I feel put down as a stay-home-mom and frankly told that I have been wasting my life.  If you stay with your spouse then being a stay-home-mom is affirmed in someway.  But if you choose to not stay then you the homemaker is criticized for being a homemaker.  Does anyone see the double-standard here?

To all young women thinking of marriage I highly recommend you keep your careers and financial independence!  I really do.  If I had to do it over this is how I would live.  When you give another person so much power over you you are in such a vulnerable position to be mistreated.  It’s sad but it’s true.  Don’t give away so much of your personal power and freedoms!

What is the purpose of a life is you can’t be free to do what makes you happy?  Now, I know what many Christians are going to say.  They seem to have this issue with the word happy.  Like if you pursuing being happy you are somehow rebellious and ungodly.


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