I have a quibble about words.  I do not use the right words.  Just because I speak doesn’t mean people understand what I say.  For example:  I said I don’t trust myself.  And a fellow believer concured never to trust yourself.  I was so confused.  What I call trusting myself is the opposite of self-doubt.  I have had a lot of self-doubt.  I didn’t trust myself or my mind / my judgement.  Hence no thoughts I had were valid.  In my opinion if one can not trust ones self how in the world can they make a decision.  So I had to ask others opinion because after all they know better than me.  Who was I?  Why did what I think matter?

This is a problem because I felt the world was telling me what to do and bossying me around.  I thought what in the heck is WRONG with that I am not capable of making my own choices and decisions?  I do have God’s Word and the Holy Spirit.  But somewhere I go out of balance with running around asking other people what THEY think God wants me to do.  There really is a problem with that.  People love to tell others what to do because it makes them feel important.

Deep down in my spirit I feel I JUMP when people tell me how high.  Why do I jump?  It is because I lack this foundation with the Lord that He and I are working on.  The foundation that says that I am valuable a part from what I do, what I look like, and whether or not I make the right decisions.  It’s unconditional love that I struggle to accept.  I want to because I want the uncomfortable people pleasing feelings I feel to go away once and for all!

Show He has shown me I have a huge problem disagreeing with others without feeling bad about myself.  But He wants me to have the courage to disagree peacefully.  I have been wrong a lot but that doesn’t make me a WRONG person / bad person.  So I am wrong.  I am wrong.  I must accept that I am human and I make mistakes and I am prone to SIN.  But I am learning God doesn’t want me to live my life apologizing for my sins to everyone I meet.  I repent to God and people I offend.

The people who want to control me love it when I feel guilty about something because then they can play up that guilt to get me to make the choice they want me to make.  I have been a guilt gatherer.  But I learned Sunday to say no guilt because it weighs me back and keep me from making the choices God wants me to make.

The other word I used inappropriately today was selfishness.  I told someone I felt God wanted me to be more selfish.  But I think that was not the right word.  This goes back to jumping.  I go out of my way to help people because I have been selfish in wanting them to like me not because I have love for them and want to help them.  This gets very confusing in the mind of a codependent people pleaser.  But I am a recovering codependent people pleaseer.  I won’t be boxed in by this label and doomed to worshiping anyone other than GOD…my rightful GOD.

I actually as a CPP thought NOT jumping NOT running around doing what everyone says is SELFISH.  Hence my words came out I think God wants me to be more selfish.  But this is NOT selfishness.  I don’t know what the right word is but I hope you can see why we quibble about words.

I get so frustrated because I can not get understanding from people.  It’s because I have a very hard time communicating.  But I am learning!  I will keep trying.  The bad part is that I feel really bad about myself until people understand me.  Sometimes someone will give words to my feelings and there is peace.  That has been rare.

Maybe I will come back to this quibble about words when I get more clarity myself.  But don’t freak out if someone using the wrong word!  Words are important.  But try a different word to get your meaning across.  Don’t jump to conclusions and please don’t judge people who like me don’t seem to have her act all together.  🙂

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