I have a quibble about words. I do not use the right words. Just because I speak doesn’t mean people understand what I say. For example: I said I don’t trust myself. And a fellow believer concured never to trust yourself. I was so confused. What I call trusting myself is the opposite of self-doubt. I have had a lot of self-doubt. I didn’t trust myself or my mind / my judgement. Hence no thoughts I had were valid. In my opinion if one can not trust ones self how in the world can they make a decision. So I had to ask others opinion because after all they know better than me. Who was I? Why did what I think matter?
This is a problem because I felt the world was telling me what to do and bossying me around. I thought what in the heck is WRONG with that I am not capable of making my own choices and decisions? I do have God’s Word and the Holy Spirit. But somewhere I go out of balance with running around asking other people what THEY think God wants me to do. There really is a problem with that. People love to tell others what to do because it makes them feel important.
Deep down in my spirit I feel I JUMP when people tell me how high. Why do I jump? It is because I lack this foundation with the Lord that He and I are working on. The foundation that says that I am valuable a part from what I do, what I look like, and whether or not I make the right decisions. It’s unconditional love that I struggle to accept. I want to because I want the uncomfortable people pleasing feelings I feel to go away once and for all!
Show He has shown me I have a huge problem disagreeing with others without feeling bad about myself. But He wants me to have the courage to disagree peacefully. I have been wrong a lot but that doesn’t make me a WRONG person / bad person. So I am wrong. I am wrong. I must accept that I am human and I make mistakes and I am prone to SIN. But I am learning God doesn’t want me to live my life apologizing for my sins to everyone I meet. I repent to God and people I offend.
The people who want to control me love it when I feel guilty about something because then they can play up that guilt to get me to make the choice they want me to make. I have been a guilt gatherer. But I learned Sunday to say no guilt because it weighs me back and keep me from making the choices God wants me to make.
The other word I used inappropriately today was selfishness. I told someone I felt God wanted me to be more selfish. But I think that was not the right word. This goes back to jumping. I go out of my way to help people because I have been selfish in wanting them to like me not because I have love for them and want to help them. This gets very confusing in the mind of a codependent people pleaser. But I am a recovering codependent people pleaseer. I won’t be boxed in by this label and doomed to worshiping anyone other than GOD…my rightful GOD.
I actually as a CPP thought NOT jumping NOT running around doing what everyone says is SELFISH. Hence my words came out I think God wants me to be more selfish. But this is NOT selfishness. I don’t know what the right word is but I hope you can see why we quibble about words.
I get so frustrated because I can not get understanding from people. It’s because I have a very hard time communicating. But I am learning! I will keep trying. The bad part is that I feel really bad about myself until people understand me. Sometimes someone will give words to my feelings and there is peace. That has been rare.
Maybe I will come back to this quibble about words when I get more clarity myself. But don’t freak out if someone using the wrong word! Words are important. But try a different word to get your meaning across. Don’t jump to conclusions and please don’t judge people who like me don’t seem to have her act all together. 🙂