Today the house is very quiet and peaceful. It’s just Beth and I. She is relaxing in her room playing with her toys and baskin in the sun. It has been a while since I could have this peace and sit down to write. I think about so many things during a day and I need to get it out in my journal to process everything. Some good. Some bad. I am learning to be more optimistic because it took me a while to realize that I am a very pessimistic person. I don’t naturally expect good things to happen or to have success. My thoughts shaped my feelings and then my actions and brought me down into a great pit of depression. It took me years to believe I was depressed and that there is no shame in admiting that or getting help with that. Sometimes it feels the weight of the world has been on my shoulders but little by little as I mature more emotionally and spiritually it is lifted a bit off of me. I am happy today, content, and seeking to be very thankful to God for all His many blessings in my life. I thank Him for always loving me during the times I did not even love myself! Somewhere along the line in my life I seem to have lost hope. I still feel it. I use to be so hopeful when I was younger. I believed anything was possible. Why do we seem to become jaded as we age?
I seriously am climbing out of the pit of despair by myself because I realize no one else can do this for me. Not even God. He is helping me, yet there is responsibility on my part to do something, to put some effort into my life. I want to. I welcome this. I welcome change. I welcome the return of hope. I welcome the return of wild-eyed dreams.
I don’t want to get devisive with labels, but I must say something. Being a wife, mom, and SAHM for that matter is very hard for me these days. We are pulled into so many different directions and I feel I have lost a sense of myself. It should always be my number one priority. I have felt guilty for wanting anything more than this life. I feel guilty for saying that. But I won’t! I believe whatever is in me that longs for more must be a God-given desire. Because it just doesn’t seem to go away. I don’t feel I living up to my full potential. I believe I am fully capable of so much more in life. This is not about having a career and joining a rat race or neglecting my family. I strongly believe that if I was using my gifts that I would become a happier person.
I’m often conflicted. It always comes back to God and my relationship with Him and doubts that rise in my mind as to His character. I believe with all my heart that God wants me to be happy and some people seem to assume that happy equals a sinful behavior like running off and leaving your family on a trip to India to “find” yourself. This is not what I believe. God is a good God. He enjoys our laughter when we laugh and cries when we cry. He is not a cosmic kill-joy.
The problem is often we feel the need to tell others what we think they should be doing. Which can be constructive sometimes, however, we are not God and most of the time God speaks to us individually about ourselves and what we need to change or improve or confess as sin. It doesn’t usually go well when I walk around looking for other peoples faults and telling them about it. For some reason they don’t seem to respond to well to that! It takes a lot of courage to stand up and stay no, I think I am doing what God wants me to do especially to people close to you.
The hardest people to say no to is our family members and friends. These are boundaries. For me it has troubling learning boundaries because I am such a people pleaser and dislike when people are upset with me, but I have to learn to be okay with that! It gets notched to a higher level when the people who disapprove of your decisions are in authority over you.
It floors me that Queen Esther did the same thing I feel I must do. She as it were, respectfully rebelled against authority for the good of her people! She did something against the law that should have resulted in her death! Wow. If she would have asked a rabbis’ opinion would they really have encouraged her to disobey the law and her husband the King? I wonder…
My conclusion is that I must do what I feel is right and people are not going to always agree with my decisions and choices and sometimes I will be wrong. But I must decided either way or else I live my life in the valley of indecision and double-mindedness, and second guessing myself and God. I am not God and I don’t know the future and I don’t know the perfect choices for my life or the right words. But I know that I belong to God. I am His and I trust that even in my wrong choices He will be still working on my behalf for the good, for my good, and for His glory.