What am I doing this summer? Yes, I bet you are dying to know. LOL. As always I continue on my personal / spiritual journey of hyper-introspection. Well I am growing. Though I don’t understand everything…the world, myself, and God. I learned that I can’t predict the future and can’t predict what God will do in my life based on past experiences or even the stories of the Bible. Maybe He wants to do something new? I am trying to be a better person, mom, wife, friend, etc. I am trying to face life and reality and my fears and acknowledge hurt I feel. My son is learning to swim for the first time. He just turned 10. I took my daughter Bethany who has a disability swimming last week. It’s really a lot of work you know. I have been praying for God to heal her and help her walk. Maybe selfishly because it would be easier for me to care for her and I would like to travel the world WITH her. I don’t want to leave her at home because it’s more convienent. I want our whole family to go on vacations. It’s hard you know. People who don’t have a child like this do not understand. All I can say to people who think certain things are easy…I want to see you try them. But somethings are hard for some people and some things are easier. I guess maybe this is God giving more grace to those who say it’s easy or giving grace for those who say its hard to keep on going! I just struggle with the question of how much does God intervein in our affairs. Because in my experience if He is helping me right now I would hate to see what my life would be like if He was NOT helping me! Agh. Scarey. Well, you know because a lot of time I feel as if I am just barely getting by. Barely hanging on by a thread. A thread I tell you! And then there are those plastic looking Christians who smile all the time. Maybe that is part of their personality? But I’m sorry I don’t smile all the time. My personality tends to be extremely introverted and lean towards depression and low self esteem. I am working on all of this. But appearantly I have to do hard work myself because I keep praying for God to just do everything and fix me and make my life the way I want but it doesn’t seem to magically happen. I struggle a lot. A lot! So I think I’m not normal. What is normal? I did read about this hymn writer who struggled with depression so that gave me hope. It gives me hope to see Christians who actually admit they struggle. I am a Christian and I struggle! I struggle with body image and self-esteem issues. I want to rise above feeling insecure next to a beautiful model in a bikini. I wish that I could stand next to one and feel GOOD about myself. Not insecure. Or I wish I could stand next to someone that is larger and not feel superior! I wish I could just stand. Stand and be myself and be proud and happy. I do a lot of wishing. I hope they count as prayers because I do address them to God. I dream too much and I hope too much. This is why I often get disappointed. I wish that something exciting would happen in life. I wish for a miracle or something. I’m trying not to care much what people think good or bad because of the risk of pride or the opposite of that. I want to be humble. It’s hard being humble. Being in a state of balance. I want to hear from people who say life is easy! Hahaha. LOL. Even life as a Christian is NOT easy. All my problems did not go away once I received Christ. In some way I received more problems. Maybe this is how we should preach now a days. Don’t come to Christ if you think He is going to make your life perfect and give you everything you want in life. He’s not. Why? I haven’t answered the why yet. Why come to Christ? Those people who think they are God crack me up. If I was God I would heal people. I would do something. I wouldn’t walk around meditating proclaiming “I AM GOD!” LOL. God bless them. God has His reasons for the way things are. I suppose He gives us what we need not what we want because most likely what we want would destroy us or make us walk away from Him. I got to move it. The story of my life. I wish God would light a fire under my bottom or atleast in my heart. I NEED motivation.

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