Recently, I feel that things in my gut have been confirmed. I say by God others say by the universe, but that’s a different story I don’t want to think about right now. I have been so insecure and prone to self-doubt. I called it trusting myself which causes some in Christian circles to freak out. Yeah. Well this doesn’t mean I know everything! What I mean by that is trusting my judgement. My ability to make a choice!!! Make a decision and stick with it even if it turns out to be wrong. My problem has been perfectionism and trying to do and say everything perfectly. This is impossible and drives me crazy! So I am turning over a new leaf today. I am going to start trusting my judgement more or some would say: trust your instincts, your gut. I have put myself in a terrible position. I am climbing out of this place. It’s not fun and makes me feel very bad and depressed! I am more than capable of making choices. The issue was I did not want to hurt people’s feelings by going against what they were telling me to do. This made me angry inside because I felt so inadequate to live my own life. People just don’t understand what I mean when I talk! But if they would take the time to really listen maybe they would finally see that a lot of what I have been saying is true. This is true especially of religious persons. They jump to conclusions that in making a choice you are going against God or the Bible. I’m tired of all the nit-picking going on here on planet earth. We are only responsible for OUR choices. We can’t live other people’s lives for them nor can they live our lives for us! So, Esther has the God-Given right to make a choice! Even the bad ones… I am not advocating poor choices or foolish ones. I think we are hyper-sensitive to language in the church and very nit-picky! This has bound me up in legalism and definately not freedom in Christ, that the Bible talks about. What I think is determined by me. I am in charge of what I think! What you think about me is NOT my business! Ahhhhhh………that is soooo freeing. It is so freeing to be yourself and not have to apologize for that. Someday everything will be made right. I can’t wait. Till then I need to make decisions. I need to go do “something.” You know what! I need to choose what I am going to do. I don’t need to be afraid of making the wrong choice anymore. I don’t need to be anxious about life. Yay! I can be happy. I don’t have to be a crusty Christian anymore! I am going to have a happy life. And I don’t need to be famous, or a supermodel, or a size 6, or smart, or have a Masters Degree to do so. I can have a good life just being me. I declare freedom and independence. I can speak up. I have something to say. My voice does matter and I have a choice!

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