Do you ever get tired of trying? I really have nothing to whine about in life, but day’s like today I get so tired of trying to run like a rat on a wheel. I try to please people and if I’m honest myself. I am very hard to please. I am very critical of myself and this is not really helping my relationship with myself. I just started a diet again to lose weight I recently put on. It was all my fault! I did it to myself. I snacked with my husband and no he did not MAKE me eat. I have no one to blame but me. That is hard because I want to blame others. I can’t. So now I need to do hard work to get back in shape. The hard thing is loving myself through this process. I need to be nice to myself and not look in the mirror and berate myself like I often do. Then I get mad at other people because I think they are doing this to me. They are not. It’s all in my mind. My mind is a mess of thoughts and ideas that I often debate with and fight with but never really win the arguements with. How silly fighting with yourself, but that is what I do. I need to get on the same side of myself. I actually need to cheer myself on. If I tell myself I am stupid and fat where is that going to get me? More depressed. Am I stupid? No, probably not. Am I fat? I have more fat, but that can’t be the end of the world. I need help, God’s help. I have trouble believing He cares and wants to help me sometimes. This is just a day another day in the real life of a middle-aged, married, stay-at-home-mom’s life. This is real life and it’s not Hollywood glamour. I wish I knew the script of my life, but then I don’t. Well, I wish that I knew my life would have a “happy ending” and that my A.D.D., depression, and low-esteem would once just go away. I wish. I am a Christian and my life is NOT perfect nor is it what I thought it should be. My life is just a life. Insignificant in the grand scheme of God’s plan…

I will try to get out of His way today. My over thinking and analysis just mucks everything up and frustrates me leaving me feeling alone and confused. So although I believe God is God and I am not and I know Him. I can’t say I understand Him at all. I have felt all alone all my life and was told that when you feel the most alone that is when He is most with you. I hope so.
But a sign sure would be, uh, NICE. 🙂
Advertisements