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Esther Bautista Designs

The Artist Within.

Poetry Corner

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Photo by Austin Dixon on Unsplash

i can’t wait to not be human

I can’t wait to not be human,

to shed my spirit of its earthly form-

to experience glory-

and be reborn.

I can’t wait to not be human,

free from conflict, politics, and wars.

I can’t wait to not be human,

at peace with my soul at rest-

I can’t wait to not be human,

no pain or mental test.

I can’t wait to not be human,

glory waits for me-

I can’t wait to not be human,

when i’m finally free.

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Photo by 小胖 车 on Unsplash
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My life Never Goes According to my plan.

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Photo by Louis Blythe on Unsplash

Nope. I plan and God laughs or so it seems. My life never has gone according to my plan when I try to plan it out.  So I am going through this annoying period right now of “situational depression”.  I have often struggled with depression in my life.  My life is pretty good, but it really sucks being depressed because then I feel so guilty almost as if perhaps God “should” give me something to whine about because I really should not be depressed!

Well, it depends on what you think about depression.

So I am here struggling with myself and God.

I make grand plans and when they don’t work out I spiral out of control into the dumps.  In the past, I have gotten out of this slump.  It takes time.  But what doesn’t help is people who have never really been depressed saying trite things or cliche things which only makes a depressed person feel worse!

In the end, my problems are my problems and I do work hard to fix them! But perhaps my “depression” is merely sad thoughts that need changing…or maybe I need to go on a shopping spree! Just kidding.  No, I know that will not help.

God doesn’t seem to change our minds.  I guess it is my job to do that.  Sometimes life feels so lonely and I often feel so misunderstood.  I know this will pass. I need to ride it out.  There are millions of people who struggle with depression and I am no different nor special!  We all have our battles to fight.  And the number one battle seems to be our thoughts.

I am here.  I will try…again…to rise.  I get knocked down, but I eventually do get up.

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Photo by Katerina Radvanska on Unsplash

Whatever Happened to Kindness?

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Photo by Bart LaRue on Unsplash

I just need to get some things off my chest. I am a highly sensitive person. Yes, that is a real thing. It is a trait that some people have.  Some people can easily take criticism.  Me? Not so well.  When my feelings get hurt, I usually go home and cry or if I don’t make it there in time, I drive with tears in my eyes…

This brings me to the topic of how mean spirited and hostile people seem to be online.  There seems to be hotspots like youtube for example where anonymous people stab other people with their words.  If we treated people in person the way we do online it would be chaotic.

I guess one of the issues is that we really shouldn’t go around verbalizing everything we think and feel.  But the other issue is the people who love to toy with other people.  The ones who get pleasure out of hurting people’s feelings and offending.

Is this the state of humanity today?  Have we sunk more and more into the abyss or is this foul-mouthed stuff we spew merely what has been in our hearts all along?

A person has to guard their hearts.  We can’t absorb all the negativity in various media forms as a reflection of us. Maybe it’s time for me to take an internet break.  I admit it will be difficult because there is some sickening pull that draws me back.  I don’t want to be controlled this way.

Offenses will come.  I just don’t like feeling offended or being defensive.  This is not a way to live.  I can’t walk around waiting…expecting to be offended.  I would like to change.  I haven’t figured this all out.  I wish we as people could have conversations in a civil manner, but apparently this is not possible online or maybe even in person.  But until then maybe it’s best for me to sign off, take a break, and unplug.

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Photo by Sasha Freemind on Unsplash

 

 

 

 

 

I Want A Gold Star.

Screen Shot 2017-09-22 at 9.08.38 PM.pngRemember when you were little and all it took to make you happy was a sticker you earned in school for doing some small achievement? Well, recently I have noticed how much I want to “achieve” something to feel more significant.

I had to drop out of math class recently and it has been such a discouragement to me. I feel like I failed. I get very discouraged easily.

I want my gold star.  But I need to do something to actually achieve that. They don’t go around giving gold stars for free! So I have been scouring the internet to find something that is a little more reachable than what I was originally attempting.

I felt high when I learned how to format my book.  I couldn’t believe I could do that on my own, but that high has worn off.  When I create, write, or paint I guess you could also say there is some sort of high in doing those activities.

I want my life to mean something. But I am not so sure that I can make my life matter by taking a class, writing a book, or getting a degree. Because in the end it’s just a piece of paper and the high wears off again and you have to do something equally as well if not BETTER to achieve that same high. Wow, maybe this is some sort of addiction? IDK.

I still want a gold star.

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What about you? What is your “gold star” you are trying to achieve?

Who Are You; Personality / Temperament Designations.

In my obsession with personality and temperament I have found the following tests:

The standard psychological Myers-Briggs personality testtake here for free…no it’s really free!

I just learned about “The Big Five” from Lewis Goldberg.  Take here for free.

The Four Temperaments – I remember my mother mentioning years ago.  Take the test here for free. 

Also read this book: “The Four Temperaments” by Randy Rolfe

Other aspects of who you are could be your high sensitivity (or not) read: “The Highly Sensitive Person” by Elaine N. Aron

And then are you on the spectrum?  Here is another test to take: Autism & Asperger’s Quiz.

How about Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) or Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder (ADHD)? Take test here.

*What does it all mean? You are a unique individual. Even though you may fit into a category, label, or box does not mean that is the total sum of who you are! You are fabulous, marvelous, and unique. This information is merely a means to get to know who you are and what makes you tick! Take it with a grain of salt.

The Trouble With Words.

I have noticed a huge problem with my communication and how I relate to the world recently. One of the issues is that when I attempt to communicate how I feel it does not mean that those to whom I am speaking with understand what I am saying. I use to get quite offended and defensive about this and then spiral into feelings of shame and depression.

I have identified myself as a late-bloomer. And I see that some people associate that with burgeoning puberty or attractiveness. But that was never what I meant by the word.  This is my definition of being a late-bloomer as written by dictionary.com.

noun

To me this has been a process of figuring out who I am rather than who people told me I was.  One of the difficult things for me is that I am not very good at face-to-face meetings especially with people I don’t know well. My verbal skills are shaky at best. I am much more comfortable expressing myself through writing. And a lot of people don’t understand that.

As the world seems to me predominately composed of extroverts (“Researchers estimate extroverts make up 50 – 74 percent of the population.”

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/thrive/201205/are-extroverts-happier-introverts)

I have often struggled with feeling greatly misunderstood, isolated, and alone.

Sometimes when meeting extroverts, I feel wrong because I get the vibe that I am suppose to be like them.  Especially when they stare at me and say: “Why don’t you talk?”

The truth is I do talk.  But I don’t do public speaking very well.  I want to have time to think about and process what it is I am going to say.  And in this fast paced society, I guess ain’t nobody got time for that!

In addition, I think the only reason I would give a speech is to jump through the hoops of the education system which requires speech for a higher degree.  I will drag my feet kicking and screaming on this because I do not like speech. And furthermore I feel there are already plenty of people yapping their yap in this world and people don’t need to hear from me adding to noise pollution.

I have often systematically set my life up to avoid having to talk in public.  I guess some would say immersion therapy would cure my ills, but what if I don’t want to be cured? As a mom and caregiver…I see no need to speak in public.  Until I learn otherwise we will just leave it at that. 🙂

Happy Birthday Son!

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Happy Birthday to my wonderful Son who turned 16 years old today!

My little graduate.

Bethany 8th grade graduation
Congratulations  Bethany!

Recommended books on Spiritual Abuse

Healing with God:

 

Looks good but have not read yet:

 

Healing:

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http://www.spiritualabuse.com

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