Esther Bautista Designs

The Artist Within.

Creative Blocks…

I have been very much creatively blocked recently.  I’m trying to remember when this all began.  As a creative, I tend to feel things too deeply and take things too personally.  But I think my creative block has to do with my emotions and or a lot of negative emotions within me.

I don’t think I have a problem writing because I am very good at rambling in my blog posts.  But as to whether it is good or bad, I guess that is subject to opinion.

Somehow I must integrate the negative aspects of the past into my present so I can move past it.  It is difficult.  The emotions keep me blocked.  I would try to express them in some way but honestly artistically I am not producing anything of value. (I guess I say to myself. Perhaps others think it’s valuable. IDK.)

I did create a meme yesterday birthed out of cynicism I suppose.  But maybe cynicism is not a good producer of beauty.  Here it is:

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Okay, so yea…that is all I have produced creatively lately.  Sometimes I think of throwing in the towel on this blog, but I keep it open because of the page rank for the Champ 1 gene mutation post about my daughter with a rare genetic condition.

But what I realize is that I am not good at keeping my blog to the point for which I originally created it…and that was being creative!  And again, I reaffirm my commitment to not do anything for monetary recompense.  That never works out.  Money seems to ruin a lot of things, in my opinion.

I apologize to my audience, if I have one, for being so morose.

Does anyone have any requests? Comments? Etc?


Boundaries and the Church

Photo by Tim Wright on Unsplash

I learned the hard way about boundaries. I never really knew what boundaries were growing up.  They are very important.  Some of my current life rules are:

  1. Don’t think too highly of yourself.
  2. Don’t think too highly of other people.

For some reason I have tended to idolize people.  I thought people were so great and perhaps that they could do no wrong. Lol.  There is certain things you grow up believing until one day your bubble is burst and you know the truth and it sets you free or leaves you greatly disillusioned!  For me it was both…

Consequently, I do not idolize pastors anymore, leaders, or husbands.

But this is a good thing.  It was a very painful lesson to me as well as other people.  I was a fringe member of the group so I was not as abused as the inner circle.  But I still have scars.

Just because someone is the leader of a group of people doesn’t make him a dictator. In all groups there needs to be a form of checks and balances so that power is not just in the hands of one man for that is dangerous.


So now I believe in freedom.  I should be able to pray to God myself and “hear” from Him myself.  Though I am no longer a radical.  No, you won’t find me running around grabbing people and praying for them or speaking in tongues.  I am much more conservative. I pray quietly.  I don’t like the fan-fare or hoopla. I like the sound of silence.

I am not sure what I thought before.  My mindset was rather crazy.  I am not sure why I thought I had to go to the pastor for any and all decisions I was going to make. That made him more of my god than the God! Now, I know better.

The church is an entity. But we are people.  People can do good things, but it’s human nature to error.  In my opinion, when leadership errors they really should do something about that.  They should be held accountable.  They are in positions of power and they have many people looking to them.

Who spends years building a church only to run away?

So I encourage people to think for themselves nowadays.  People have agendas. Maybe that sounds cynical but it’s true. If you are in a church or group and something doesn’t feel right, listen to that feeling. You should have the right to disagree.  You should have the right to dissent.  You shouldn’t feel afraid to question something or someone.  Basically, you should have freedom of choice and freedom of voice.

Photo by Ben White on Unsplash

Who Are You; Personality / Temperament Designations.

In my obsession with personality and temperament I have found the following tests:

The standard psychological Myers-Briggs personality testtake here for free…no it’s really free!

I just learned about “The Big Five” from Lewis Goldberg.  Take here for free.

The Four Temperaments – I remember my mother mentioning years ago.  Take the test here for free. 

Also read this book: “The Four Temperaments” by Randy Rolfe

Other aspects of who you are could be your high sensitivity (or not) read: “The Highly Sensitive Person” by Elaine N. Aron

And then are you on the spectrum?  Here is another test to take: Autism & Asperger’s Quiz.

How about Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) or Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder (ADHD)? Take test here.

*What does it all mean? You are a unique individual. Even though you may fit into a category, label, or box does not mean that is the total sum of who you are! You are fabulous, marvelous, and unique. This information is merely a means to get to know who you are and what makes you tick! Take it with a grain of salt.

The Trouble With Words.

I have noticed a huge problem with my communication and how I relate to the world recently. One of the issues is that when I attempt to communicate how I feel it does not mean that those to whom I am speaking with understand what I am saying. I use to get quite offended and defensive about this and then spiral into feelings of shame and depression.

I have identified myself as a late-bloomer. And I see that some people associate that with burgeoning puberty or attractiveness. But that was never what I meant by the word.  This is my definition of being a late-bloomer as written by


To me this has been a process of figuring out who I am rather than who people told me I was.  One of the difficult things for me is that I am not very good at face-to-face meetings especially with people I don’t know well. My verbal skills are shaky at best. I am much more comfortable expressing myself through writing. And a lot of people don’t understand that.

As the world seems to me predominately composed of extroverts (“Researchers estimate extroverts make up 50 – 74 percent of the population.”

I have often struggled with feeling greatly misunderstood, isolated, and alone.

Sometimes when meeting extroverts, I feel wrong because I get the vibe that I am suppose to be like them.  Especially when they stare at me and say: “Why don’t you talk?”

The truth is I do talk.  But I don’t do public speaking very well.  I want to have time to think about and process what it is I am going to say.  And in this fast paced society, I guess ain’t nobody got time for that!

In addition, I think the only reason I would give a speech is to jump through the hoops of the education system which requires speech for a higher degree.  I will drag my feet kicking and screaming on this because I do not like speech. And furthermore I feel there are already plenty of people yapping their yap in this world and people don’t need to hear from me adding to noise pollution.

I have often systematically set my life up to avoid having to talk in public.  I guess some would say immersion therapy would cure my ills, but what if I don’t want to be cured? As a mom and caregiver…I see no need to speak in public.  Until I learn otherwise we will just leave it at that. 🙂

Happy Birthday Son!

Happy Birthday to my wonderful Son who turned 16 years old today!

My little graduate.

Bethany 8th grade graduation
Congratulations  Bethany!

Recommended books on Spiritual Abuse

Healing with God:


Looks good but have not read yet:



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Creative Interlude.


Miss Beth

The Church and series part 2 – Spiritual Abuse

Here is an excellent video on spiritual abuse I found:

I grew up in the church. But as a 45 year old woman I have had a lot to learn about how to have a healthy relationship within a community.  Somewhere in the back of my mind was the idea that as a woman I needed to sit down and shut up. I needed to just do whatever the authority said I should. This resulted in me idolizing everyone. I minimized   myself, my feelings, and instincts (or intuition, gut feeling, vibes, sense, and perhaps even the voice of God).

I was spiritually abused.

I am healing.

This is not the end of the story.

And the labels do not define me.

I was a broken and battered sheep.  I was a sheeple.  I am awake.  Maybe a little less trusting and a little paranoid. But I think I am okay. I still believe in God though at times He feels far from me. I hold on to His word that He is not far away.  That He is ever-present.

I remember being at my old church and hearing about a small group series. I am introverted and take a long time to warm up to people I don’t know well. I think this saved me a lot. Well, rather than go to the small group I thought I would watch it. It was a series Mark Driscoll did on marriage. My spidey senses were tingling. Trusting my gut wasn’t working well. Well, my gut was talking it is just that perhaps from my childhood I learned not to trust it.

Looking back on what has transpired I think I had no filters.  I did have some but I was not trusting what I felt. Well, because feelings are wrong, right? Don’t trust your feelings. Don’t trust yourself. Well so I was told.

I think this was my training ground. I think this was God working in the situation. He wanted me to be honest and to stand for something. He wanted me to think for myself rather than to just accept everything the pastor said from his pulpit! He wanted me to discern for myself. He did not just want me to accept every little thing into myself and most especially not all the hurtful words and actions!

I remember being so upset about Mark Driscoll’s sermon series on the book of Esther. He slammed the character of Queen Esther. And I was deeply offended by that. My mother named me after Queen Esther for a reason. That she was a good woman, a Godly woman.

What I have learned is that I am to follow God. Not my pastor. Not my leader. Not my husband. I question everything.  That is not to say that I am a disrespectful, rebel.

But a true Godly leader is going to lift you up, not tear you down.

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